Bored at Work

I feel so extremely bored today. Except for the visit by the MMU lecturer just now, today would have been the perfect equivalent of a B-O-R-E-D day. Or did I say that already?

Oh God do I wish for some good conversation... just for someone to tell me that they care, that they would like to brighten up my day, bring a smile to my face, whatever. I really, really would fall for a guy like that! But I guess everyone's just plain busy, unlike me.

I can't seem to relate to people nowadays. Whether it's the lame-joke guy at work, my best gal frens or guy frens, I always seem to cut them off halfway through our conversations... because I do hope that everything we say could be compressed... cut to the chase. I do hope to get to the next topic quickly, to chat about lots and lots and lots of stuff on various topics... but I guess not everyone does this kind of frequency-hopping, my style. Exactly why I get shot by some of my friends, saying that I change topics too fast. It's inborn okay, I really can't help it. Cos I think there's this big spinning mirror inside my head, twisting and looking at stuff from many different perspectives altogether at one go.

I really dislike going out with only one other friend, cos I'm scared that we'll run out of things to say and there'll be a gap between us... with only silence to fill. But I did like going out with Eric last night (in case he sees this.. haha) because it's been ages since I've caught up with him.

But that aside, I also hate going out with two or more friends, when I have to again reprise the role of wonderful court jester, talking and talking and what do you call it, building the atmosphere. Hate it hate it hate it, yadda yadda yadda.

I wish I could be back with my best friend on the swing, swinging and swinging without speaking a single word, it's like zillions of signals from my head just transmitted silently in frequencies higher than our normal hearing range towards hers. I wish I could find a boy like that, to sit with me and just say nothing but feel comfortable with each other just like that. I guess that only happens after sex when everybody's tired out and flat out on the sheets.

Sigh.

I miss having someone that I really can connect to, to feel that warm guzzy feeling of being UNDERSTOOD. I guess I haven't really felt that for such a long time. Even though it's out with friends, the things we say are just jokes, plain worthless jokes sometimes that are easy to remember 10 years later, but are just plain meaningless. And I feel neglected. Maybe they really just think I'm dumb, maybe we're just too close that they can't help but to overlook my feelings, or in the after years they'll just remember me as the Joker, that I feel.

I need someone to have an overwhelming brainstorming discussion with. But of what topic? I'm really not sure. Sometimes too I wish someone could criticize me with an in-depth conversation on my creative writing/blogging style. Damn I wish I could join a creative writing class at times. Or at least a book club. I need some intellectual, literary input. Any books? Anyone?

I tried to look for Crimson Tide again last night, but failed miserably. Damn! Where's my tide? I guess I really can't just have lust without love. Or kisses without communication. It's unhealthy. In the long run. Especially for an emotionally insecure person like me.

Shall be going back in another hour's time. This ends my BORING day, but only at Work. Cos I'll have to spend another few more boring hours taking different modes of transportation to Pudu, then have dinner alone, and then sleep on the dreary dirty bus all the way back to Ipoh... where there at least I'll find the warmth of home. But still no COMMUNICATION.

Guess in a few years later, I'll be another working adult still devoid of communication. But perhaps then they'll already have invented an Aibo which can reply me like the Encarta Instant Messenger, albeit with MORE passion and LESS smarty-pants...

It makes me so happy when I write like this. Very flighty, very spontaneous, and it doesn't look "tried". Or whats that word, contrived. :)

Comments

abeautifulmind said…
cheer up girl, communication isn't just talking, joking and crapping, I guess u understand that more than I do loh hor?

Well about the blogging style I do think that it's something personal, in your own style, haha.
Anonymous said…
think of others people first before think of yourself only, care of poeple first
Xweing said…
Well, I do!!!

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