First Love

I always thought I was gonna marry him.

When I was 16, he was my first love. Like any typical romance influenced by American TV, I loved the X-Files, and he was my Fox Mulder. He was tall, dark, handsome, intelligent and charming, the apple of my eye, the man of my desire. I looked up to him as my big brother, and hoped that I would be similar to him in every way.

He was ambitious and self-disciplined, and search as I might, the word "quit" was never in his dictionary. I was drawn to his ambitions, his leadership qualities, his mastery of his own life, and the mysterious ways in which he always managed to accomplish what he wanted.

Being a good student then, it was easy for me to keep up with my peers. Be president of a prominent society, be role model to my juniors, be a straight-A student. But I could never be quite like him. No matter how hard I tried, I found it harder and harder to keep up with his pace, his accomplishments that drove him further and further away from me.

While I got good grades in my PMR, he got full A's in his STPM. While I got top of the class, he would be top in his school. While I was president of a club, he would be the head prefect of his school. When I got to Form Five, he was already pursuing his professional degree at university.

And even now.

After five whole years of losing contact, it was by quaint chance that we found ourselves in a small diner in Penang. He was still himself, while I was no longer the timid shy schoolgirl that he had always thought of as "little sister". I thought I had done it, being an engineer, a professional in one of the top corporations in the world, and achieved my own goals. I thought, at last, I had balanced out our achievements. With good faith, we'd see eye-to-eye and be counterparts, both him and I. After five years of university, I had achieved something distinctly similar to him, a professional degree. At last, I thought, I would be his equal.

But no.

I felt helplessly fixed at the same distance where I always was, far down the road from where he was. While I'm contributing to the growth of technology, he would actually be saving lives. While I'm fixing bugs, he would be sending off legions of antibodies to attack viruses. While I'm repairing violations, he would be repairing someone else's fractured bone. And while I'm lazing in bed thinking of those flexi-hours, he would be ever-punctual when his duty calls.

I suddenly felt daunted. All these years, I had tried to keep up with his pace, only finding out that I was running on the same forest lane as ever, with him already in a distance. He's Superman! How could I ever compare up to him?

This led me to ponder upon the pillow-talk I had with my roommate last night. She believed that guys would always prefer being the stronger sex, and girls who likened themselves to be a damsel in distress would more often than not, heed the hero's reply. Chase not, she said, and try to be a step behind. Men do not like strong girls, but prefer those who seek for protection.

I beg to differ.

This may not seem to be your typical love story, but this is the story of how I fell in love with the most amazing man ever, who I hope, in the end, will turn around and glance upon this forlorn girl who has been tagging along all this while.

Comments

家勤 said…
那祝你美梦成真!
cocoa said…
nice post ... xiao wei~!!! i din't get to see you that day during ur convo :((:((
Ianfluenza said…
Were you excluding the puppy loves??? Hehehe!

Times have changed. Many men would also appreciate women who are capable of helping them in their career and etc... For once, I think an over-dependent girl might just turn me off...
pik lay said…
i had dream too.. but normally dream won't come true.. hehe
Jia Yunn said…
I think we are dealing with 2 seperate issues here. One concerning career choices and temperaments, the other being gender roles in a relationship.
With regards to the former, I think in any profession one can touch lives and make a difference. Here is my attempt at putting it in a nutshell: a doctor can heal, an engineer can contribute to progress. Surely each has its part in shaping history.
As for temperaments, wouldn't the better yardstick be to compare my achievements to my own highest potential, instead of what others have done with their own portfolio of personality strengths and weaknesses?
As for men who desire a marry a girl who serves only to stroke his ego needs and reassure his masculinity... or a girl who would disfigure her personality to fit into that matchbox of a role... *silence*
My knight in shining armour is a guy who is capable to lead in my relationship with him. He is one who is able to make wise decisions regarding life directions for both of us, while having my interest and well being at heart. He needs to be a leader who can guide our relationship to grow in a healthy direction, who has the wisdom to resolve conflicts and problems in our relationship, who has a vision of where he wants to take our relationship. On my end, I want to be able to respect and submit to his leadership even if I have seen better leadership qualities in others, I want to be able to support his leading even as he makes mistakes and messes up time over time, I want to be able to contribute to his leading by my own experiences and knowledge, most of all I want to be able to be strong enough to stick with each other even when things get rough.
I think it takes a wise leader, and a strong woman, plus a lot of hard work, to make a relationship work. A far cry from weak and helpless I have to say.

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